I have realized in the silence the last few weeks that what I thought I struggled with in this whole transition period has changed over and over. So instead of writing post after post of that I’m just going to share what I do know.
I’m not an extrovert. I happen to be married to the world’s most extrovert person. Therefore, I happen to fall in the line of fire way more than I prefer.
I’m not a natural leader. Yet I find myself leading a lot in my life. A Lot.
I’m not a fearless person. I am strangled with it consistently. I feel like my poor plants in the garden. Struggling to overcome what is completely out of their control. My son tried to dig some trenches to let the water flow out but the plot was too low to begin with. The “SON” is the only one to fix it. In time. This extra watering may be what strengthens those roots deep into the soil to sustain it in the coming heat. So they wait for the water to absorb and the sun to shine and the fruit to blossom. I wait for the calm to wash back over me and set my world right…again.
I’m not the world’s greatest mom. I daily ask for forgiveness. For wisdom. For some God-sized super natural “Super Woman” strength. I ask my children to forgive me. I try. I will keep trying until they are ready to be
shoved gently guided out of the nest and pray they fly, or at least have a soft landing. I get how, in the wild, mother’s eat their young. When you have a big family you are bound to get at least one that makes your hair turn gray a little sooner. I think in the end that child will also bring you some of your greatest joy. I’m holding out for that. Don’t burst my bubble. Just congratulate me that the odds are in my favor 4 to 5 out of 6 is good, right?
I’m not “Super HOLY Woman.” There are days I don’t even open my Bible. It shows. Yes, I have lived in Africa doing some missionary things. I have also lived in Africa and done some not so spiritual things. I have dared to ask God some really hard questions and tried to lay blame. Me. Who am I? The creator of the universe. The one who loves me most. The one who can see why and how what He’s doing will play out for more than just me. Today I am rejoicing I didn’t miss the blessing of our time in Africa. Today marks 3 weeks since my husband left. I haven’t been too spiritual or holy the last couple weeks…
So while I told you to “stay tuned for why/how I’m struggling with who I am supposed to be or what I am supposed to do here,” I don’t really have any answers. My mind is still in a fog. Clearly. (from this post) I just felt the need to say something. Break the silence before it got out of hand, and a year passed right before my eyes. It happens ya know…