What am I struggling with, you ask? I am struggling with the “stuff.” I am struggling with this new sense of “keeping a good image.” I am struggling with wanting Africa to be closer and cheaper to travel to. I am struggling with starting a new ministry and investing every part of us into 2nd Milk, and it might all fall apart. I am struggling with the food here. I am struggling with “letting go” of my children. (Thank you Jeff Crawford for the message yesterday. If you didn’t see it go to Crosschurch online and watch it) I’m struggling with who or what am I supposed to do or be here.
It overwhelms me in the stores. We had stores in Africa and lots of them. They all had lots of stuff in them, too. It just wasn’t the stuff I needed or wanted. It was a treat to even go, so it didn’t feel so overwhelming either. Here, it’s easy, most of it’s not expensive, (at least not where I shop…I’m a cheap-o) but it still adds up. I know there’s a lot we actually do need right now, but I still question it because I think about how little you can actually live on. I want to be a good steward and think well it’s just a muffin pan, it’s not part of my decor/theme so maybe if I wait I’ll find one at a garage sale for 50 cents. We are renting so obviously we will at some point move…again. I don’t want to deal with all the “stuff” we don’t need or use when that happens…again. I don’t want to be controlled by the stuff.
Keeping a good image-
People have come up to me in public and introduced themselves frequently lately. I LOVE it!!! I love that people are encouraging and say how much they have enjoyed following us, praying for us, and supporting us! I also wonder what in the heck my kids and I were doing minutes before. Where they begging for the “stuff” and I was scolding them for being a kid? Were they completely disrespecting me and back talking like they just walked out of juvy and I was un-lovingly telling them I was fixing to send them back there? Were my children behaving like a normal American toddler, preschooler, child, teenager and they are supposed to be acting (in MY MIND) like a person who just came from the #1 poorest country in the world and doesn’t ever want to enjoy a bowl of cereal if everyone can’t…
Closer and Cheaper and starting 2nd Milk-
We love Africa and we love Malawi. We love the people and relationships we’ve made there. We have a real business there with offices and staff. I don’t know if you’ve ever run your own business before, but try doing it on the other side of the world…a third world at that, where lives happen to be at stake (babies for goodness sake) is hard. Jason will be traveling every once in awhile to do those business-y things, but what about the rest of us. We want to go to. My girls basically think that is “home” for them. Why did we move? It was time. It was time for our family, it was time to get the U.S. side going, and God said it was time. It doesn’t mean it’s easy. It’s not easy being there and it’s not easy leaving, but oh….if it was closer and cheaper to travel to!
I’m pretty sure I could write a whole blog post on just this one thing. I personally know the difference I have felt from eating healthy fresh food vs store bought American food. The bread last FOREVER here. There, a few days at most. That’s the case with most things you buy from local bakeries or the market verses here. We have been on the go, going back and forth picking up things, traveling, basically so busy those first few weeks we were only eating fast food or fast prepared food. Trust me, we were feeling the effects of it. I am so happy we are getting back on track. I’m so excited it’s farmers market season, and I’m ecstatic we got some of our garden in! When the rain subsides long enough we can get the rest in!
My kids have homeschooled the last two years. Important years for my older 3 boys. Are they going to fit back in? Do I want them to fit back in? Will they be bullied? Will they want to fit in so much they turn their hearts to worldly things? Will they forget the things they saw and did in Africa? Will they be ashamed? I want them to speak and remember truth. I know that homeschool is not the answer this year. I know that Christian schools are too expensive, and even if they weren’t that doesn’t mean they are perfect. I know that public school is the answer for this season, and I know I have to let go and let God.
Stay tuned for why/how I’m struggling with who I am supposed to be or what I am supposed to do here!
Be blessed! It’s Monday!! Monday doesn’t have to be a struggle